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Her: You know how to make the chicken, right?
Me: Sure. I take one of the metal round things, make the metal thing hot, put the liquid oil in the metal, put the chicken in the metal…
Her: Too many steps. That’s what you’re saying. It’s already too many steps.
Me: No. Yes. Maybe.
Her: There’s cereal in the cupboard.
Me: I love you.
Her: I know.
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walking out the door
Her: Will we get there in time?
Me: Yes. We will get there in the realm of time.
Her: So, in the space/time continuum, we’ll arrive at some point.
Me: Exactly.
Her: sigh
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Trying to understand women? Gentlemen, after you read this, you will owe me $100,000.
When Kirby tells me, “Don’t tell anyone, but…” I receive the data in my ears, I think about it and converse with her briefly about the data, and then I do what I’m told. “Don’t tell anyone” to a man means “don’t tell another human.” We can do that. We are capable. In fact, it’s not hard at all. You know how we do it? I’ll tell you. We immediately forget what we were just told. And ladies, this is what every single man in the history of men has done. When we hear “Don’t tell anyone” we internally say Good. I’m excellent at forgetting data.
Women, curiously, are different.
When I tell Kirby, “Don’t tell anyone, but…” she thinks, “I can tell my mom, because she won’t tell anyone. And I can tell Amy, because she doesn’t know the person that he’s talking about.” And then Kirby’s mom has an identical thought process, and so does Amy, and on and on until every woman alive knows what I told Kirb within 38 seconds from the moment I finish talking. Many husbands and boyfriends are also in the loop, but they never tell anyone because they are told not to do so, and they obey by forgetting. It is amazing and it is true.
Cash only, please.
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Paul
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“You’ve never needed an undershirt.” - Kirb, a lady who knows how to talk to a man
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Kirby & I went to The Second City to see a show her cousin directed called Sky’s The Limit (Weather Permitting). It’s haha. If you’re in Chicago (I don’t think any of you are but it doesn’t matter because INTERNET) you should absolutely see the show.
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There needs to be a support group for anyone who is unemployed and job hunting. It’s the most humbling place. I’ve put out dozens of résumés, all of which scream I am a valuable human being but not valuable enough for someone to have already hired me, or at least that’s the voice I hear from my résumé. My résumé has the voice of a old Jewish mother. It’s not helpful.
I have found that it’s possible to check my email more than 200 times in one day. It’s gotten so bad, my desire to hear back from potential employers, that I put that little mail icon on my phone on the furthest screen possible away from the home screen, like an alcoholic who hides his Maker’s Mark behind the box of Wheat Thins on the top shelf of the cabinet. It doesn’t really do anything helpful, but it feels like a step in right direction.
But I keep going because Kirby keeps telling me that it’s going to be ok and because, despite my general disposition, I believe her. A few days ago I took the L down to the Tribune where she works and I found myself hating everyone I passed as they went to and from their jobs. I saw a baby and I hated that baby. It’s bad to hate babies, but I hated that one. I felt bad a few hours later, if that helps.
The most difficult thing to do when I am depressed is to make things. I don’t want to take photos because I don’t like my photos. I don’t want to write because it’s mopey and whiney. I don’t want to read books about getting out of creative slumps because those people are assholes who creatively wrote books about getting out of creative slumps and made thousands of dollars. You’ve gotta read those books when you’re in a good place so you can access what those assholes said from memory.
I know it’s going to be ok. I believe Kirby when she tells me that she loves me and believes in me. I know I’ll get a job. Belief is the most difficult thing in the universe, harder than doing your own taxes (don’t do that) or understanding women (don’t do that) or trying to understand I Heart Huckabees (“This is me, this is you, and over here, this is the Eiffel Tower, right, it’s Paris!”). As long as I have belief then I’ll try to keep at it.
Right now I’m going to go take Jack for a walk, God bless his doggy soul for being so patient with me, and then go to a movie to enter into someone else’s story. Then I’ll come home, fall asleep, and give it another go tomorrow.
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Stephanie Izard
Executive Chef - Girl and the Goat
2008 Top Chef winner
