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I am unable to deal with Jack’s relentless pursuit.
Jack, my lab/malamute mut, has unending desire and love for me. It is too much for me. Yesterday, after having put him in his kennel for 8 hours while I was at work, he followed me around my apartment as I went from room to room. I put things away in the kitchen, and he stood at my feet. I went into the living room and then into the dining room, unpacking boxes from my recent move, and he licked at my feet every moment that I stood still. I took clothes into my bedroom and he walked behind me.
If you don’t stop following me around I’m going to punch you in your dog face.
He’d been pinned up by his owner all afternoon, much too long for any animal, and from the second I let him out he wouldn’t leave my side. Now, if I’d been pinned by someone for a long period of time, I don’t think affection and desire would be my first few responses, and yet Jack followed me around, the nails on his paws click-clacking on my hardwood floor like Fred Astaire on stage. He loves me with devotion and I hated him for it.
I hated him because I do not love myself and I do not trust myself. I do not believe that I deserve such devotion, and thus that devotion is annoying. It fills me with contempt.
I’d rather be in hell than be in Jack’s love. I’d rather be away from him than near him. He is too good and too trusting.
You say you know God? I do not believe you. You say you know God’s love and affection? I do not trust you.
You say that you do not know God but you’ve experienced a glimpse, a speck God’s love and it was far, far too much to bear? I believe you. You’ve peaked my curiosity. Tell me everything you know.
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We are two grown men conversing on the internet.
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Her: You know how to make the chicken, right?
Me: Sure. I take one of the metal round things, make the metal thing hot, put the liquid oil in the metal, put the chicken in the metal…
Her: Too many steps. That’s what you’re saying. It’s already too many steps.
Me: No. Yes. Maybe.
Her: There’s cereal in the cupboard.
Me: I love you.
Her: I know.
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walking out the door
Her: Will we get there in time?
Me: Yes. We will get there in the realm of time.
Her: So, in the space/time continuum, we’ll arrive at some point.
Me: Exactly.
Her: sigh
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