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I know what you’re thinking. I sympathize, and I believe I can help. You’re mind is consumed with the to-do list items that have to be checked off, and the months are flying by much more quickly than you anticipated. You have to find a caterer, a dress, a venue, a priest, plan a honeymoon, and navigate multiple family members and their desires for your wedding.
You are a courageous woman for taking on a to-do list like that, and we all bow to you in honor and reverence.
One of the to-do list items you must address is answering the question, “Who can I find to take photographs of my Great Aunt Mildred chain smoking Virginia Slims in the corner of the reception tent?”
Look no further. I am your man.
I’m not afraid. I’ll take those photographs. I’ll take photographs of your 17 year old nephew negotiating with the bartender to get a Jack & Coke. I’ll take photographs of your Uncle Scott drinking his 1st Bud Light, and I’ll take photographs of your Drunkle Scott drinking his 6th Bud Light. When he falls over, I’ll be there to watch him crash to the floor. Will I help him? Of course I won’t. I’m not a medic; I’m a photographer.
And you know I’ll take photographs of your family dancing. That is pure fodder. I’ll take photographs of your self-conscious friends in their late twenties who want to look cool dancing (an impossibility), and I’ll take photographs of your relatives in their 40s whose dancing lets you know that they have moved past self-respect and into whatever it is that comes after self-respect. They’re in their 40s! What do they have to lose? Another Bud Light, Drunkle Scott? I’ll take those pictures.
When the DJ leaves his computer and starts dancing with the guests, disregarding all DJ boundaries, you’ll see me in shadows, documenting every arm swing and head bob.
Lots of people just like you tell me they don’t want the normal pictures. Please, please trust me; you want normal. You want documentation of the awkward interactions, the videographer who manages to get in the way of everything, and every passive aggressive glance from family member to family member. You want that normal.
Best of luck with your to-do list, courageous fiancée. It’ll all come together.
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The Future! is scrambly. Jarrod, your crown molding is nice but your face looks terrible.
Hello from somewhere above one of the states between Indiana and Washington.
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This,
“I want to get a dog,”
will eternally be followed by this,
“Do you know how hard it is to own a dog?”
Which is a fine, valid response. There is a reason that people bring this up again and again. Owning a dog, especially a puppy, is difficult.
“Well, no. I don’t know how hard it is to own a dog. I’ve never owned a dog before. so I can’t really know the joys and pains. There are joys as well, right? Yes I suppose there are.”
I found Jackson Pollock (initially, Jack) on a dog adoption website. I’d been looking seriously for a few weeks trying to find my dog during my last trimester of grad school. “I want a transitional object,” I’d joke (most jokes aren’t jokes). Leaving school and entering into whatever reality exists outside of academia seemed like a great time to get a puppy. And then, the day after graduation and one day before my 27th birthday, I found a 9 month old lab/malamute mix named Jack at a shelter in Shelton, Washington. “Jack,” I thought. “That seems right.” I called the shelter and asked if I could go see Jack the next day. I’ll just have a look. No pressure to bring a dog home with me.
I blinked and found myself in my car on my way back to Seattle with a dog named Jack in the passenger seat, dripping drool all over my dash like a 20th century painter on canvas. A new name was given.
Jackson Pollock (he also goes by Jack, Jacky P., J.P., McGee, Moody McMooderton, Turbo, and really anything I want to call him at any given time) settled in quickly. Our first week together we went hiking and camping, and in doing so I fulfilled every Pacific Northwest stereotype, except for naming my dog Moose.
Also, it has been hell. Actually, hell is far too comfortable. Compared to owning a puppy hell is an air-conditioned hotel in Paris right next to the Eiffel Tower, with good coffee and free room service from a lovely Parisian girl wearing one of those cute red berets that you know no one ever wears but you hope they do anyway because so adorable, right?
Just say yes, but in French, please.
Oui.
Merci beaucoup.
I had not known my own capacity of rage until I got Jack. The only times that damn dog destroys anything are the times when I will not give him attention. For example, almost every morning I get up, make coffee, and sit down at my computer to read my email, peruse blogs, and do some photo work. I settle into my chair and Jack begins to whine a bit. “Oh stop it,” I say. “You just woke up after sleeping for 8 hours on a nice dog bed. I fed you good food that you in no way paid for, and now you’re complaining? Your life is awesome. You are a dog.”
Jack tilts his head, looks at me directly in the eyes, and then immediately grabs a book from my bookshelf and runs outside through his doggy door. The kicker: he goes out and stands in the middle of the yard, gently holding the undamaged book in his mouth, waiting for me to come get him. If I go chase him, he destroys the book, sprinting back and forth around the yard. One time I promise I heard him laugh. If I don’t chase him, he drops the book in the mud or in the compost pile or takes a poop on it.
Yes, he’s a puppy, and I know (at least I’ve been told that this is true) that he’ll grow out of it and calm down. “But it takes years,” people say, with a sadistic grin.
There are days when I’ll pull up to my house and sit in my car for an hour because I don’t want to go take care of him. I don’t want to walk him or pick up his poop or give him any attention at all. I’ll sit there like a parent of a small child, needing just five more minutes of alone time.
The most humbling moments have been when I’ve hit him too hard. I read books on positive reinforcement and affirmative training, and they are helpful, but there have been a few times where Jack has done something to get me worked up and I’ve raised my hand just a second after the offense and punished him in anger. Those smacks were not corrective or disciplinary smacks; they were violent. Jack aroused my anger and I responded with force. The few times that this has happened I’ve wept, walking away from Jack feeling tremendous shame and sorrow, hands on my head, pacing around my living room searching for help.
But what fills me with awe is that Jack loves me. We’ve lived together for 6 months and he is always excited to see me when I come home. He doesn’t say, “Where have you been? Why have you left me outside by myself for 7 hours?” Rather, his tail starts wagging and he licks me and jumps on me and runs circles around me. “You’re home! You’re really home!” I am humbled by the love of my dog. He is terrible and wonderful and a gift. He makes me laugh and cry. He listens to me every day and never complains. I take him on walks and tell him about my day, how I’m feeling, what movie I saw the night before and my complaints about how much Sour Patch Kids cost ok here’s $4.50 but they’re so good I can’t help myself. He listens and responds in his own way, tail wagging, simply excited that life is happening.
Hey buddy.
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I’m taking a trip to Providence, Boston, and NYC in late January. Of all of the things I’m excited about doing, celebrating Groundhog Day with Jake & Co.™ is at the top of the list.
Advent
Heather & I made these prints (36x48) for Advent and The Opiate Mass.
Thank you, John Baldessari.
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I WILL NOT BE CATEGORIZED yeah that’s fair.
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I love the holidays and I love holiday gift guides. I am notoriously terrible at gift giving. I procrastinate and get paralyzed when I try to think of what to get for my family and friends, always fearful of giving a useless gift. Conversely, there is nothing like giving a good, good gift. You can see it in the person’s eyes when they open it that it’s something they wanted and is useful.
When it comes to getting gifts, I want recommendations from friends of items that they already own. A friend told me about a dog collar that she uses with her dog to help her dog learn not to pull when they go on walks. She told me that it worked wonders. Since I know her and trust her, I went out and bought it without even trying it out or looking at other training tools. She said it was good, so I bought it with little thought. Sites like svpply.com are helpful, but they are mostly items that people wished they owned. I am more interested in what people already own and why they think it’s worth getting. A personal recommendation goes a long way.
Here is a list of items (with corresponding Amazon links) that I own, use regularly, and highly recommend. Maybe some of it will be helpful to you in your holiday shopping.
1. Smartwool Socks: Whether or not you’re into hiking, warm socks are wonderful. They’re kind of pricey at $11 a pair, but they are worth it. I have 6 pairs that I rotate through regularly.
2. Audioengine A2 White Desktop Speakers: I bought these to play music out of both my computer and my turntable (I had to buy a phono preamp as well). The sound quality is great and I don’t need a subwoofer.
3. Melitta Porcelain Filter: I used to make a french press every day, but I was wasting a lot of coffee beans in the process. I started using a melitta filter (which makes a much cleaner-tasting cup of coffee) this year and haven’t made a cup of french press since. I measure out the allotted beans ((#ounces x 2) + 2) (so an 8 ounce cup of coffee takes 18 grams of coffee, a 12 ounce cup takes 26 grams, a 16 ounce cup takes 34 grams, and so on), grind them, put the grinds in the filter (you’ll need paper filters to go in the porcelain filter), and slowly pour over the hot water. It’s the best way, in my opinion, to make a single cup of coffee. I also suggest ordering a pound of Stumptown beans, as they are my favorite.
4. Plain Stocking Cap: Team Zissou.
5. Saucony Originals Men’s Jazz Low Pro Vegan Sneaker: I bought these per Phil’s recommendation. They are comfortable and affordable.
6. Coleman 10 oz. Coffee Mug: My favorite mug.
7. Jameson Reserve 12 year Irish Whiskey: Very good mid-shelf sipping whiskey.
8. Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide Deluxe Edition by Douglas Adams: My cousin Zach gave me this book when I turned 14. It is one of the best gifts I’ve ever received.
9. Kong: This is for dog owners, and if you own a dog then you probably already know about Kongs, but they’re new to me. Jackson Pollock loves his Kong stuffed with crunchy peanut butter. How he’s able to get every last bit of that peanut butter out of that rubber toy is beyond me. Also, anything that occupies your dog for 20-30 minutes is gold.
10. My Name Is Asher Lev by Chaim Potok: The best book that I read in 2010.
11. Primus Classic Trail Stove: I’ve had one for almost 10 years and it has yet to fail me.
12. Mountain Hardwear Drifter 3 Person Tent: When it comes to tents, 4 person means 3 person, 3 means 2, 2 means 1, and 1 means lonely. LOL TEAR. I got the Drifter 3 this year and it’s a mansion compared to my Kelty 1 Person Dart. I’ve had it out in some pretty serious rain storms and I stayed completely dry.
13. (Not Pictured): Get someone you love a puppy. Oh my goodness it’s wonderful and terrible and they’ll thank you and hate you but ultimately thank you. Hey buddy!
